Intermezo: Getting Older Getting Smaller

When I was a child, I used to pray with both eyes closed, my lower jaw locked the upper, and my hands drifted in the air. I did that whenever I wanted something. I played kite, I needed the wind to come so my kite could fly, I closed my eyes tightly until I felt the wind touched my ears.

When I was in exam, because Mom wanted me to be in first rank, I studied like crazy. I woke up at 4 in the morning everyday, turned on my lamp and study. Along with that I wishpered to God: God let me get 100, I want 100, I didn't want to have any mistakes. Then when I again study for exam in the class, I sat on teacher chair and opened up my teacher's book, it was a class daily book anyway. There were few numbers in that book marked with pen, so I read only that innocently. Then, that was the question mentioned in exam. I got 100 after reading it.

Do you think I am lucky?

I was thinking I was a lucky bastard until I read Supernova book. That was the way God speaks in childhood. He was so close and he was really everywhere. In childhood, spoke something to Him wasn't a big deal. Yet, as time goes by, I was too busy about life, distance appeared, and talking to Him is a hard work. For some times, we tried to rethinking about His existance, or redefine our belief.

In childhood, whatever we wanted, we spoke to Him with pure heart like we spoke to Dad and Mom. Or sometimes, because we knew that we couldn't ask it to our parents, then they said, "Ask God".

But it makes God so close. A child never worry about life, unlike adult. Now, when I reach maturity, I came to know that sometimes I worried so much about life. About my purpose, about my track. Was that correct, was that true. How if I failed. How if what I have chosen points me to the wrong way?

My friend said that it was a quarter life crises. When we try to figure out what we have done to our life so far. About value and purpose. About decision. It comes so far into jealousy of people who can be free, without any family reputation responsibility. Having lots of adventure. Having a great job. Creating their own dream.

Now, it is the right time to come back, to childhood view point. For this case, it is a must for me, to use my purity in communicating to Him. Redefine my self, not the God. Make everything smaller about Him getting bigger. His existance is not human business, but human relations towards Him is a business for all in personal space. 

But by writing it here, at least I get a better place to speak...,

to God.

Taken at Sarangan Lake, Magetan, Indonesia. Lovely home.